An Unlikely Situation
by R.L BlackRose
Summary: The Akatsuki base explodes, and they're all left stranded in the middle of nowhere. But their purpose slowly fades away. Why rule the world, anyway? And... what do they do now? Crack with some serious parts. DeiSaku, Pein/Konan, maybe more! [OLD]
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: This is supposed to be a funny story, but it WILL have some serious themes. There WILL be pairings! They include but are not limited to DeiSaku (dont care that its non-cannon, I still LOVE IT) Pein/Konan, and some other maybe.**

**I guess that in this, Konan and Deidara are pretty much main characters. I love torturing Dei, by the way. MeheheHAHAHA cough cough cough**

**I already have an ending planned out and everything, so stay tuned! I'm known for me fast updating. :3**

**PLEASE REVIEW! EEENJOY**

Chapter One

RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

"Red Alert?"

"What's that supposed to mean, yeah?"

"Guys!" Kisame shouted, running past Sasori and Deidara's room. "We're under attack!"

"What?" said Sasoi, confused. "What idiot would try and attack the entire Akatsuki base?"

"One that obviously knows that we don't know what to do when a red alert comes in." said Itachi, walking calmly after the frantic Kisame.

RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

"Wait a minute!" said Deidara. "We haven't practiced for a red alert yet?"

"I don't think we've practiced for any alert all." Sasori said quietly.

The Akatsuki base suddenly shook as it was bombarded.

RED ALERT! RED A-"

crackling.

"Hello, everyone." said Pein's voice over the intercom. "Since it has come to my attention that no one knows what to do during a red alert, I, uh... Don't... Know... Either. Wait. Oh. Oh well."

"Give me that!" they heard Konan say as she snatched the microphone away. "What Pein here meant to say was, everyone evacuate the building and meet up with all the other Akatsuki so we can regroup and move onto another location. Thank you."

The intercom cut off.

Dust fell from the ceiling onto Deidara's head as the building trembled again.

"Getting out seems like a pretty good idea right about now, yeah!" he said, and he and Sasori ran out the door of their room.

They encountered a scene of complete chaos.

Kisame was running in circles screaming his head off. Itachi was walking after him quietly telling him to calm down.

Hidan was cursing wildly as his partner gathered up his money.

"Will you forget about the xxxing CASH?" Hidan yelped angrily.

"No." was Kakuzu's simple reply as he scooped up handfuls of the green and stuffed them into his robes.

Zetsu's halves where arguing with each other again.

"The exit is sooo that way!" said White Zetsu.

"Of course not, fool!" said Black Zetsu.

"Yuh-uh!"

"Nuh-UH!"

Konan was standing in the middle of the whole scene, an apologetic smile frozen on her face.

"Please, everyone, calm down...!" she said. She whirled towards Pein, who was moping around in the corner doing things like sighing and shaking his head somberly.

"Where is the EXIT?" she hissed.

"I don't know." he said mournfully. "What's the point anyway?"

Konan's eye did a nasty twitchy sort of thing.

It took Deidara thirty whole seconds to break down.

"I don't want to die, yeah!" he sobbed, curling up into a little ball on the ground as he shook wildly. "I never wanted to kill anyone, what did I do to deserve this?"

"There, there." said Sasori, leaning down and patting the distressed blonde on his head.

"Oh, for heaven's sake." Konan said with a sigh.

That was when the building exploded.

"Ugh..."

"oh..."

"ow, it hurts, it hurts...!"

"XXXXXXXXiNG XXX! OH XXXX! OW! IT XXXXiNG HURTS!"

"We're..." said Sasori. "We're alive?"

"We're alive." Pein echoed. Everyone sat up, checking themselves.

"We're ALIVE!" Deidara exclaimed, and he flopped onto the grass laughing.

"Get up." said Sasori.

"Oh, and I will, yeah!" said Deidara. " And I can... Because I'm ALIVE!"

Sasori gave him a stare and he sat up, turning red.

"But how?" said Pein.

Konan lay panting on the ground.

"Konan!" Pein shouted, running to her.

She turned over, staring up at his worried face.

"Teleportation... Jutsu." she huffed. "And all of you... Are... Heavy!"

Pein helped her up.

Hidan finished his cursing rant. "So what now? Where's the next nearest base?"

"Yeah, I'm hungry!" said White Zetsu.

"You're always hungry." Black Zetsu muttered.

"Next... Next base?" said Pein.

"Please oh PLEASE tell me you at least prepared another base!" Konan begged, her face falling.

Everyone turned to Pein.

Pein looked at all of them.

"What?" he said.

Deidara sat down on the ground, drawing his knees up to his chest.

"We're all gonna die now." he said mournfully. "All I wanted was to make art, yeah."

"No, don't... Worry..." said Konan. "It'll all be okay if we just stick together and make another base! We just need... Teamwork and-"

"Does someone need a hug?" said White Zetsu, slowly opening its plant jaws as he sauntered forward.

"AAAAH!" Deidara screamed, falling backwards. He stuck his hand into his clay pouch.

But it was too slow. Zetsu launch himself onto Deidara, his plant jaws snapping.

"Zetsu, no!" Pein shouted. "Someone, do something!"

"I'm on it." said Kakuzu. His hand shot out as he seized Zetsu, pulling him off.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" said White Zetsu. "I was just so hungry..."

"Deidara!" said Sasori. He ran towards him.

"Oh dear." said Konan.

Deidara stared straight ahead, his eyes wide as he sucked in shallow breaths. The front of his shirt was drenched in blood.

"Okay, see what happens when we don't work together?" said Konan. "We've got to-"

"You hungry IDIOT!" shouted Black Zetsu. white Zetsu broke into tears.

"Never mind." Konan said. "Who here knows healing jutsu?"

There was a long, awkward silence.

Deidara sat up.

"I HATE you all!" he shouted, standing up as he winced in pain. "Ow...! The pain...!"

"Oh, you don't know pain, believe ME!" Pein thundered.

Some of them groaned. Sasori helped Deidara up.

"Not with that again." said Sasori. "Please, spare us all."

Pein gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. "Why, you-!"

"Stop it!" said Konan. "We're all in this together, we've gotta work to-"

"Such immaturity." said Itachi. "Like little children, all of you."

"Hey, we're mature!" said Kisame. "Except for Sasori, he's all young n' stuff."

"I'll have you know," said Sasori indignantly. "That I am older than I appear-"

"You can't hide what's inside!" White Zetsu taunted.

"Look who's talking!" Black Zetsu snapped. "The king of immaturity himself!"

Konan sighed, walking over to Pein who was muttering to himself angrily.

"Get them to sit down and shut up." she said. "Now."

Pein looked up. "But how am I-"

"JUST. DO. IT." Konan seethed. She walked past him and whirled around, crossing her arms.

"Um... er..." said Pein. "Everyone, listen up!"

They all turned.

"Let's build a campfire and, um, talk about out feelings?" he said, turning to Konan for approval. Konan deflated, rubbing her temples.

Everyone looked at each other, then at their leader.

"Are you feeling all right?" said Kisame.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

And yet, thirty minutes later, they were all sitting around a crackling campfire.

They shot suspicious glances at each other. Konan clapped her hands.

"Okay!" she said. "We'll state our reasons for joining Akatsuki. Why do YOU want to rule the world? If you have anything to confess, or you want to say something, say it!"

Someone mumbled something about alpacas.

Deidara fiddled with his bandages.

"Deidara, you go first." said Konan. "Why did you-"

"Because you IDIOTS forced me!" he shouted. "I don't wanna kill anyone, yeah, get that into your puny heads! I don't wanna be in Akatsuki, or rule the world! I've been controlled all my life and this is no exception. I HATE YOU ALL!"

And with that, he crossed his arms stubbornly and looked away.

Some of the Akatsuki shifted uncomfortably.

"Ooo...Kay!" said Konan. "Uh... Kakazu, your turn!"

"I like money." he said simply.

"But if the world is controlled by us, we won't really... need any of that money, will we?" said Sasori.

Kakuzu sat there for a while.

"Oh." he said.

He sat there for a little while longer.

"Oh." he repeated. "I just need... Some time to..."

He fell over and curled into a small cloaked ball.

Konan tried a reassuring smile. "Okay, Hidan, why do you want to rule the world?"

"I want to kill people for Jashin and live forever!"

Kakuzu looked up. "Why?"

"Because I'm XXXXXXX ANGRY!" he shouted.

"What does that have to do with anything?" said Itachi.

"I'm ANGRY so I wanna KILL PEOPLE and rule the... the..."

he stopped.

"Well." he said weakly. "it does sound... Sort of stupid... When you put it like that..."

He stared straight ahead, a look of complete loss of purpose on his face.

"And... living forever..." he whispered. "Why..."

he gulped.

"Aw, XXXX." he said, falling over.

Konan decided that this was not going well. She decided to pick in one of the least insane members of the group.

"Sasori!" she said cheerily. "Why did you-"

"ALL RIGHT!" he shouted. Everyone jumped.

"OKAY! I'LL ADMIT IT! I'm NOT... REALLY..."

he shrank down.

"A puppet." he finished weakly.

"Deidara's head shot up. "Wha?"

"Yes, it's true, I've been using a youth jutsu all this time!" Sasori babbled. "And- and I can seal my human body in this- heart thing- but I can turn into a human at will!"

"Why on earth," said Deidara, "would you want to keep your human self?"

Sasori bit his lip.

"Because," he said, "If I could't be human... I'll never know what it's like to... Um... you know, have-"

He stopped

"Oh." said Konan, nodding. "Okay, that is perfectly normal!"

She nodded a few more times, just to get the point across.

"So why did you join?"

"Because I want my art to be appreciated forever." said Sasori.

"But don't people run away when they see your art and stuff?" said Deidara.

"Yes." said Sasori.

"So no one really likes your art." Kisame finished.

"Yes." said Sasori. He rethought it. "No."

"Aren't people supposed to appreciate art that you make?" Kakuzu said.

"Yes." said Sasori. He rethought it. "No. Maybe."

He sank into a thoughtful pose that would make The Thinker jealous.

Konan was deciding what do do next, when she heard Pein speak.

He had his head propped up on his hands. She could feel he was thinking something, something that was troubling him.

"Kisame." he said quietly. "Your turn."

"Well, I wanted to live in a world of truth." he said. "Because my life is a lie! Everything's a lie! Even-"

Something hard slammed into the side of his head.

OW!" he shouted. "Hey, what was that fo-"

"Kisame," said Itachi, putting his fist down. "Did that hurt?"

"Yes!" said Kisame crossly. "In fact, it hurt a LOT and I'm very-"

"If your life is a lie," said Itachi. "If it's all sort of a dream... Then why did that hurt?"

Kisame stared at him.

Itachi stared at the ground.

Kisame's arms dropped to his sides.

Oh." he squeaked, and then he fell sideways, stiff as a board.

Everyone stared at him.

"Itachi." said Pein, pulling their attention away from the shocked blue man. "And you?"

Itachi's eyes darted from one side to the other. He sank into the collar of his robe.

"No reason." he said.

"Why?" Hidan complained. "Tell us the XXXXiNG reason!"

"Language!" Konan warned. " But why did you, Itachi?"

Itachi sort of sank further into his robe, or cloak, or whatever it was.

"A reason." he explained.

They all stared at him expectantly.

"What was the reason?" said Sasori.

"YOU CAN PROVE NOTHING!" Itachi hollered. He fell over backwards.

"It was to watch over my brother Sasuke." he groaned finally.

"Oh." said Konan. "Well. Uh, it's okay! Because you still helped our cause... Or something..."

"You really think so?" said Itachi.

"Su, why not?" said Konan. "Anyway... how about you, Zetsu?"

"Chewy people!" White Zetsu said in a singsong voice."

Deidara shuddered.

"What he meant to say," said Black Zetsu, "was that it's simple: If we rule the world, we get to eat more people."

"That's really disturbing, yeah!" said Deidara.

Zetsu licked his lips as he stared at the sulking blonde,

And that was when Zetsu launched himself onto Deidara.

"AAAAGH!" Deidara yelled.

Zetsu's plant jaws closed. Pein leapt to his feet.

Deidara thrashed in the darkness, struggling to get out.

He suddenly something wrap around him.

It squeezed, pressing over his face. He couldn't breathe, only start to cry loudly, unheard, as he felt the plant organ squeeze him with it's squishy, wet walls.

"Spit him out, right now!" said Konan.

"Why should I?." said White Zetsu.

"Yes, he's quite chewy." said Black Zetsu.

"Where is he?" Pein said.

"Oh, somewhere inside us!" said Zetsu.

"Spit. Him. Out." said Sasori.

"Oh, all right." said Black Zetsu. His jaws swung open and Deidara fell out.

"Light!" Deidara sobbed, shaking.

"Are you all right?" said Konan.

"I hate you all, yeah!" Deidara shouted. He tried to crawl away, but collapsed.

"Did any of us actually think this through?" said Pein. "Ruling the world? How's that supposed to make peace?"

"I guess you're right." said Konan.

They sat quietly for a while.

"So what the xxxx are we supposed to do NOW?" said Hidan.

Pein sat down. He appeared to be thinking.

They waited.

And waited.

Kisame started humming the theme for Jaws. Unfortunately, since it's only two notes it started to get really annoying.

He stopped humming, to everyone's relief.

"Pein?" said Kisame.

"I'm in my happy place." said Pein. "Where there's no pain. Just happiness... and... and..."

he sighed.

"Unicorns." he finished.

There was a silence.

"He's lost his sanity." said Itachi.

"Pity." said Kakuzu.

"Hey, if we don't need him," said Black Zetsu. "Can I-"

"He is NOT crazy!" said Konan, stepping in front of him. Pein glanced up in a passive sort of surprise. "What we've gotta do is build a new base while we figure out what to do!"

Most of them were looking at her by now. Deidara was making birds. The birds all faced Zetsu, who's white side was staring back at them in sad, hungry shame.

"Now, I know," said Konan, looking around. "That we can't go back to our villages. Even though we've lost our purpose, which they were against. So we just have to figure out a new purpose, or a solution to this problem of ours. For now, we stick together and survive. We don't even know where we are. Okay?"

Everyone muttered in agreement.

Konan sat down heavily as the rest started to discuss building shelter. Pein sat next to her.

"Where's the confidence you showed the others just now?" he said.

She looked at him sadly.

"I was the one who teleported us into the middle of nowhere." she lamented, putting her chin in her hands. "I could've teleported us somewhere else. Somewhere we own. We would never have lost our reasons for staying together,or- or be stuck here-!"

"But our purpose would have been a wrong one." said Pein. "In fact, we wouldn't have gotten out of there in time if it wasn't for you."

Konan turned to him, and he took her hand. She blushed. Pein wasn't usually the one for reassurance...

"You saved our lives." he said, softer now. "Thank you."

"Y-you're welcome." said Konan, her voice barely a whisper, and then Pein stood up to help the others gather wood.

Konan sat for a while, staring after him as he walked away.

She stood up and went after him. He turned as she caught up.

"I'll help." she said.

Pein nodded. "This is probably going to go wrong, though."

"Oh, I don't mind." said Konan.

They walked into the

rowd of waiting, arguing Akatsuki members.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: AAAH! I AM SO SORRY! I've been focusing so much on my drawing that I totally forgot about this!  
>But don't you worry; I'll go back to my normal updating speed, which is pretty fast! <strong>

**Sorry for the long, long wait, you might wanna read the first chapter over again for a re-cap. Thanks for your patience, enjoy! :3**

Chapter Two

"Come on people, hurry up!" Konan shouted. "It's going to rain tonight, get a move on!"

"Hey!" Kisame shouted. "You're not actually helping us!"

"I," Konan haughtily proclaimed, "Am here to motivate you."

"I'm here to motivate you!" Kisame imitated in a baby voice.

"Watch your mouth, fishboy." she said.

He grumbled and moved on.

The outline of a small wooden building was slowly rising up from the ground as the Akatsuki members swarmed around it.

Sasori, of course, had been put in charge for his woodsmith abilities.

"And why doesn't HE have to work?" Kisame shouted, suddenly whirling as he pointed at Deidara.

Deidara was sitting against a rock.

"Because I'm injured, un!" he said, smiling. "I never thought being injured could be this fun, though!"

"I can injure you some more if you'd like!" Black Zetsu said hopefully-

"NO!" Deidara shouted, scrambling back.

"Behave yourselves over there!" Konan said.

"Sorry." they muttered.

"I'm still hungry." White Zetsu whined.

"Shut up." said the black half.

"Hey, how's it look?" Sasori said, coming over to Konan. The rest of the Akatsuki stood behind him, hopeful.

"It looks good so far!" Konan said, looking at the wooden outline. "Now, we just need a roof and-"

Suddenly, the sky rumbled.

"XXXX!" Hidan shouted.

And then all hell broke loose. The sky opened up, and everything was instantly drenched.

"MAKE A ROOF MAKE A ROOF MAKE A ROOF!" Konan shouted over the pouring rain.

They ran off to get wood to use.

It got very windy, very fast... almost like it was a-

"TORNADO!" Itachi shouted, skidding to a stop in the middle of the clearing. He'd been on watch.

"Oh great." Kakuzu muttered. Hidan said something of the same effect, except far ruder.

"Darn." Pein shouted.

"DARN?" Deidara yelped. "THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? _DARN_? You're the leader, DO something!"

"Uh... uh..." Konan stammered. The wind was starting to mess up her hair. "Okay, we can... um... we should...!"

"WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Deidara shouted.

"Stop that." Sasori said.

"Get down!" Itachi shouted, as the leaves started whipping around in a frenzy.

The Akatsuki threw themselves flat on the ground, squeezing their eyes shut-

It sounded like a freight train, thundering through-

Suddenly, Konan screamed as she started rising into the air-

"NO!" Pein shouted, throwing himself towards her and grabbing onto her hands.

Suddenly, he started sliding off the ground.

"Leader!" Sasori shouted, and grabbed onto his legs. But he was too weak, and the wind jerked them away-

"Sasori no Danna!" Deidara yelled, latching onto his legs.

"I can't see what they're doing!" White Zetsu shouted over the wind. "Can I eat them now?"

"NO!" Deidara said.

Zetsu licked his lips and started inching towards Deidara.

"OHNO OHNO OHNO!" he shouted, kicking. "Get away!"

Sasori grunted in pain.

"What's going on down there, brat?" he said.

Suddenly, with a big popping noise, the tornado was gone.

Konan screamed as she plummeted back towards the ground.

Pein caught her and they tumbled together on to Sasori.

The rest of them picked themselves up.

"AW XXX IT'S XXXXING GONE!" Hidan cursed.

Sasori sighed.

There was nothing left of even the remains of the shelter they'd been building.

"I know what to do." Pein said.

They all turned to him, hopeful.

"Tent jutsu!" he said.

Suddenly, a collection of tents, ten feet high and 15 feet long, appeared in a puff of smoke.

They all stood there for a second, shocked.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Konan yelled, grabbing Pein's throat. Pein, not expecting this sort of reaction, made a choking noise.

"Stop that!" Kisame shouted, running forwards to pull her off.

"You show us the tent jutsu... AFTER we spent all that time working?" she yelled. "AFTER?"

"Konan, be reasonable-" Pein choked out.

"NO!" she said. "I'm TIRED of being reasonable! I'm TIRED of being calm! What's there to live for anyway? Where's the peace we wanted? Where?"

Kisame grabbed her and threw her to the ground.

She lay there, laughing madly.

Pein looked down at her in apparent shock.

"She won't- stop- giggling." Kisame said, prodding her with his shoe.

"Unicorns, unicorns, UNICORNS..." Pein muttered to himself intensely, going over to a rock and sitting down.

"That's it. We're doomed, un." Deidara said. "Doomed, lost, done, over, finished-"

"I think we've heard enough synonyms." Kakuzu said.

"Haha, how about we're XXXXed?" Hidan said.

"Smitten." Sasori suggested.

Itachi turned. "Beaten." he said.

"Destroyed."

Konan sat up, rubbing her head.

"Defeated." she heard.

"No!" she shouted. "We are NOT defeated!"

They all looked at her in surprise.

Except for Pein, of course. He was smiling with his eyes closed.

"Deidara, whine about something." Konan said.

"My stomach hurts!"

"YOU DO NOT KNOW PAIN!" Pein thundered, jerking his head up.

He looked around.

"Wait, what?" he said, confused.

"Everyone, get into the tents and sleep well." Konan said. "It's already late... we'll figure out exactly what to do tomorrow. You will wake up when you're told to wake up. Is that clear?"

They all nodded reluctantly.

"Okay, now, go!" she said. "There are nine tents, that should be enough for each of you to have one. Go!"

"Aw, come on." Deidara whined. "It's not that late, un!"

"Yeah!" Kisame said.

"Fine, you've got thirty minutes!" Konan said, rubbing her temples. "Do whatever you want. Don't leave the clearing."

There were whoops of joy.

Deidara sighed, sagging.

"What is it, brat?" Sasori said.

"It's just... it's just that..." he said, biting his lip. "Well, now that our base is gone... all the art I made is-!"

"Don't." Sasori said. "Look, even my art..."

He gulped.

"...can't always be eternal." he said. "Sometimes, it has to be fleeting... b-because..."

"Sasori, you're turning blue!" Deidara said.

"I'm choking on these words." Sasori muttered.

"No, stick to your ideas about eternal art." Deidara said, putting his hand up. "What fun would it be if we agreed, un?"

"Hmph." Sasori said, smirking. "I guess you're right, brat."

"Call me Deidara!" Deidara said.

"Let me think about it," Sasori said, turning away. "No."

"Some things never change." Deidara mumbled.

"I'm still hungry!" White Zetsu proclaimed.

"Hey! Wait!" Deidara said. "How do we know that he won't eat us in our sleep?"

The entire Akatsuki turned to Zetsu accusingly.

"What?" Black Zetsu said. "He only said he was hungry!"

"Yet it meant so much more." Itachi said.

"No!" White Zetsu said.

"Look." Pein said. "Zetsu, if you eat someone, I'll kill you."

"Not if we eat you fiiirrrst..." White Zetsu whispered.

"Shut up." Black Zetsu said.

"What was that?" Pein said. "What did you mean by 'not if we eat you first'?"

"I mean... I was being theoretical!" White Zetsu said. "I mean, if we eat you, then you can't really KILL us, can you-?"

"Okay, then!" Konan said. "If you eat anyone, everyone else will kill you."

"Not if we eat everyone fiiiirrstt..." White Zetsu whispered-

"WILL YOU EVER SHUT UP?" Black Zetsu thundered.

"No!" White Zetsu haughtily proclaimed.

"I give up." Konan muttered.

"You keep changing." Pein wondered. "I give up, we can't be defeated... we can't lose hope, the situation's hopeless..."

"What of it?" she growled at him.

"Oh, nothing, nothing!" Pein said, holding up his hands for protection. "I was just wondering, 'tis all."

"That better be all." Konan grumbled.

"Well, now that you mention it..."

"I said, that BETTER be all!" she repeated.

"It is, it is." he said quickly.

"Good." Konan said.

"I lost all my money." Kakuzu sighed heavily.

"I thought you didn't CARE about the xxxxing money anymore!" Hidan said.

"I know... but I worked so hard to earn it." Kakuzu said. "This is a mess."

"You're tellin' me." Hidan said.

"I knew this wouldn't end well." Itachi said. "I'm such an idiot."

"Aw, come on, don't be like that!" Kisame said, rolling his odd eyes. "Stuff happens. And when stuff happens, you've got to do stuff so the stuff that happens isn't bad anymore, at least not as bad as the stuff that h-"

"You said "stuff" five times in one sentence." Itachi said quietly. "That's a record."

"Hey, I'm trying to help out here!" Kisame yelled, flapping his arms.

"It's not helping."

"Grrrr-!"

"That's it, thirty minutes are up!" Konan said, clapping her hands. "Everyone, go to sleep!"

They all slid into their respective tents. The only light was that of the moon, shining brightly in the sky.

Konan yawned and started walking towards her tent.

"Um... Konan." Pein said.

"Hm?" she responded, turning.

"Well..." Pein said. "What if Zetsu tries to eat some of us?"

"What?" Konan said.

"I mean, if the two of us were together in one tent, it would be harder for him to-"

Konan smiled slightly.

"That IS a good idea." she said, slipping past him towards a tent. One of her hands fluttered lightly past his face. "I'll meet you in the tent."

Pein stood there a while longer, watching her disappear into the tent.

He reached up and put a hand on his cheek, where her hand had touched.

"I'll never get tired of that." he whispered, coming into the tent after her.

The moon watched.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

However, that was not the only thing the moon saw.

Two girls sat in the dark forest, freaking out.

"OMG OMG OMG!" one of them said. "Sakura, I don't know where we are, I can't sense anyone else for miles!"

"How did this happen?" Sakura said. "Do you think we picked up on someone else's teleporting chakra, Ino?"

"That's impossible!" Ino whined. "You can't put that much chakra in a teleportation! You'd have to carry, like, nine or ten people with you!"

"Who would teleport nine or ten people into the middle of nowhere?" Sakura muttered crossly.

"Idunno, idunno, idunno..." Ino moaned. "Sakura, what are we going to DO?"

"Okay, j-just... calm down!" Sakura said. "We'll sleep here, in the forest, and we'll look around this area in the morning. Okay?"

Ino nodded, rubbing her eyes and lying down on the ground.

Sakura lied down too.

The leaves rustled beneath them.

"I'm scared." Ino whispered. "I don't like being lost."

"Who does?" Sakura said, turning over.

"No one." Ino sighed.

"It was a rhetorical question!" Sakura said. "Idiot."

"Forehead girl."

"Okay, it is NOT that big! It's just that... my bangs are revealing!"

"Yeah, right!"

"Pig!"

"You're a bigger one!"

They huffed.

"Good night!" they shouted angrily at each other at the same time.

"Jinx! One two three-"

"Jinx stop."

"Aw, man."

"I am the jinx-master, Ino. You cannot defeat me."

Ino grumbled and closed her eyes.

Sakura looked up at the moon.

It looked like a lonely fingernail clipping, hanging in the sky.

Except this fingernail was made of pearl.

But people don't grow pearl fingertips.

So that's impossible.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Wow, I can't believe it! It's only chapter three, and I already gave in to writing fluff. I IS DESPICABLE YAAAY! :P**

**Here, the plot starts to get interesting! :3**

**ENJOY! 8D**

Chapter Three

Konan blinked blearily, yawning.

"Pein." she said, shaking him. "Pein, wake up."

"Hm?" he said sleepily.

"Shouldn't someone be on guard?" she said.

"Oh. Right." he said, forcing himself awake. "Who should it be?"

"I'll go, you get some rest." Konan said, standing up. "When I get tired, I'll wake up... how about Kisame?"

"Good enough." Pein said. "Thanks."

Konan slipped out of the tent, sitting down in the grass.

The wind rippled around her hair, and she sighed.

The Akatsuki are such little kids sometimes! she thought.

But now what?

We want peace. How? I don't understand, I don't understand on any of it.

"Graaah." she groaned, pulling her robe tighter around herself. It was cold outside.

Why can't the world make more sense?

She stretched, there in the grass.

A cloud passed over the moon for just a moment.

Konan looked up at it.

Suddenly, she heard a twig snap. Her head snapped up, and she tensed.

A squirrel darted out from the bushes and she sighed in relief.

"Don't scare me like that." she told it.

It chittered in response.

A cold wind blew through the clearing, and Konan shivered.

It was cold.

About an hour passed slowly, and then she stood up to wake Kisame.

"Kisame." she whispered into the tent. "Watch duty. Get up!"

"Ugh, fine!" he said, crawling out.

Konan slid back into her own tent, slipping under her blanket.

She looked over at Pein. His eyes were closed.

And she sighed.

I wonder if he knows that I like him. she wondered. I mean... as more than just friends.

Maybe. Just maybe... he does.

I should tell him.

Nah.

She closed her eyes.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kisame was standing in the clearing when he heard a rustle.

It was coming from Zetsu's tent.

"Is anyone out there?"

"Don't talk, you fool, they might hear us!"

"Oh. Right."

Kisame rolled his eyes as he watched Zetsu crawl out of his tent.

"Zetsu, get back in your tent or I will CHOP YOU TO PIECES!" he hissed.

Zetsu jumped about a foot in the air.

"It's not what you think!" Black Zetsu said nervously.

"Unless it iiisss..." White Zetsu said mysteriously.

"Shut UP!" Black Zetsu hissed at him

"I'll forget about it right now," Kisame said, rubbing his temples, "If you just get back in your tent."

Zetsu considered it for a second.

"You saw nothing."

He darted back into his tent.

Kisame's eyes narrowed. "Idiot." he muttered.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"WAKE UP!" Pein thundered. "UP UP UP UP UP-!"

"Sheesh, you almost gave me a heart attack!" Deidara muttered, yawning as he came out of his tent. "I'm too young to die!"

"xxxx yeah!" Hidan said. "Honestly!"

"What a bunch of crybabies." Sasori scoffed.

"Oh, and by the way, Zetsu tried to eat someone last night." Kisame said.

"TRAITOR!" Black Zetsu screeched.

"You know what?" Pein said. "I really don't want to hear about it."

"I just thought you should KNOW." Kisame said. "Sheesh!"

"I think the first thing we should do," Konan said, "is go get some food. We're all hungry, right?"

"Uh-huh!" White Zetsu said.

"You. Zetsu." Pein said. "Go eat a deer."

"Mmm, chewy animals!" White Zetsu said. "I like deer!"

Deidara shuddered.

"Go with your Akatsuki partners." Pein said.

They all mumbled their agreement and slunk off into different directions in the forest.

"I guess that leaves you and me." Pein said.

"You and I." Konan said.

"What?"

"I believe the correct grammar is 'you and I'." Konan said.

Pein rolled his eyes.

"Don't you roll your eyes at me!" Konan said.

"Okay, okay." Pein said. "Look, let's go that way, I see lots of leaves. There might be food in the trees or something."

"M'kay." Konan said, and they walked off.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Art is a bang, it's fleeting!"

"No. Art has to last forever, that is it's beauty."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yes."

"Nuh-uh! You're WRONG, un!"

"No I'm not."

Deidara and Sasori trudged through the forest.

"I like dango." Deidara muttered. "I wish I had some dango."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Sasori said.

"I'm just saying, un!" Deidara said, dragging his feet through the leaves.

They kept walking for a while.

"Hey! Hey, Sasori no danna!" Deidara said excitedly.

"What is it, brat?"

"Look!" Deidara said, pointing happily. "A fruit tree, un!"

"Oh. Well, that was lucky." Sasori said. "Get some clay, so we can fly up there."

"Yay!" Deidara said, throwing a bird down. It burst into a large one, and he mounted it with Sasori. They rose into the air.

The air rippled through Deidara's hair, and he smiled.

He reached up and snagged an apple.

"Where do we put them?" Deidara said.

"Just pile them on the bird." Sasori said. "It'll be fine."

It was a big tree, with about twenty apples. They collected them all.

"Hey, this is great, un!" Deidara said.

"Yeah, yeah." Sasori said. "Now let's get back to the clearing quickly, before something unfortunate happens."

"Something unfortunate, un?" Deidara said. "Whatever do you mean by that?"

"In the sense that when things can go wrong for us, they usually do." Sasori said.

Deidara rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Oh, Sasori, don't be such a downer." he scoffed.

"It's true, you know."

"Yeah, right!"

Deidara turned the bird around, and it soared slowly through the trees.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sasori had actually been right.

Things had a tendency to go wrong, at least in this situation.

Two girls walked through the forest.

"What are we going to do?" Ino said. "Do you know which direction Konoha is in?"

"Listen, Ino, for the millionth time, I don't know!" Sakura said. "Whoever it was that used a teleportation jutsu... they're probably close by, but we very well may be in the middle of nowhere!"

"Sakuraaa." Ino groaned. "What are we going to do-?"

"Listen, pig, I don't know, okay?" Sakura yelled. "How am I supposed to know, huh? Huh?"

"Sakura?" Ino said. "Hey, Sakura! Wait!"

"No, I will NOT!" Sakura shouted, flapping her arms. "Don't dump this all on me, I bet you'll be saying that it's all MY fault later!"

"Sakura, stop talking and listen to me!" Ino said. "Seriously, this is important!"

"WHAT, WHAT CAN IT POSSIBLY BE?" Sakura hollered, her face red.

"Someone's chakra!" Ino said. "I sense two people close by, really close by!"

Sakura closed her eyes, concentrating.

And then, her eyes shot open.

"You're right, you're right!" she said excitedly. "There are two of them!"

"I already said that." Ino muttered.

"Come on, lets follow them!" Sakura said, grabbing her by the hand and pulling her along.

The two stumbled through the bushes, after the two people's chakra.

"What the xxxx are we supposed to be looking for, anyway?" Hidan muttered.

"Food." Kakuzu responded.

"Yeah, but what KIND of food?" Hidan said. "It's not like pie grows on the xxxxing trees!"

"Oh look, a pie tree." Kakuzu said.

"WHAT THE XXXX? WHERE?" Hidan yelled.

"I was kidding."

"What-? You-?" Hidan said. "Oh, I get it. REAL funny, Kakuzu, REEEAL funny!"

"I try to have a sense of humor once," Kakuzu said. "And you're not appreciating it."

Kakuzu made a little sort of sigh.

They kept walking.

Suddenly, Kakuzu looked up.

"Why, would you look at that." he said. "Pie."

"HILARIOUS, Kakuzu, just xxxxing HILARIOUS!" Hidan said, throwing up his arms.

"No, really." Kakuzu said. "There is a pie in that tree right there."

"That's not funny anymore, Kakuzu!" Hidan shouted. "There isn't any-"

Kakuzu pointed.

"Pie..." Hidan said, following his pointing finger. "In... in a TREE?"

There was a large pie, just sitting in a tree directly in front of them.

"Odd." Kakuzu said.

"Idunno, man, but while the pie is there... just TAKE it!" Hidan said.

Kakuzu nodded, darting up to the tree.

He took the pie.

Suddenly, a loud voice sounded through the forest.

"PUT THAT PIE DOWN, YA THIEVES!"

An old woman emerged from a small hut, waving a frying pan.

"This makes no sense." Kakuzu said.

"Just... just RUN!" Hidan shouted, turning on his heel.

A frying pan hit him in the head.

"Hey!" Hidan shouted.

"I thought you liked pain." Kakuzu mused.

"Yeah, but it's annoying sometimes!" Hidan said. "No one likes getting hit by frying pans!"

"Fair enough." Kakuzu said.

"GIVE ME MAH PIE BACK!" the woman shouted.

"Not on your LIFE, gramma!" Hidan said, turning-

A pie splattered onto his face.

"Haha! Yeah!" The old woman shouted, waving her tiny, wrinkled fist. "There's another pie for ya! Ha!"

Laughing, she shuffled back into her small hut and closed the door.

"Why," Hidan said. "is there xxxxing HERMIT LADY living in the middle of xxxxing NOWHERE?"

"Heh. Your face is amusing." Kakuzu said.

"This pie's going to take forever to wash out of my-" Hidan said. But suddenly, he gasped.

"Kakuzu! Kakuzu!" he shouted.

"What?" Kakuzu said.

"The pie tin... it broke my jashin symbol!" Hidan said, cupping his hand around the three pieces.

"Does that really matter?" Kakuzu said.

Hidan sighed.

"Guess not." he said.

"Let's go." Kakuzu said. "We still have the one pie."

"WAIT!" Hidan said. "I know!"

Kakuzu watched him as he knocked on the door of the hermit's hut.

The door creaked open just a crack.

One eye peered out at him.

"WHAT?" the woman said.

"I have some silver here!" Hidan said. "Would you be willing to trade us some pies?"

The one eye blinked.

The door swung open.

"Fine!" she said. "Show me!"

Hidan dropped the pieces of his necklace into her gnarled hands.

She stared down, squinting at them.

"Very well!" she said. "I'll give you three!"

"Three?" Hidan thundered. "For this quality silver? Why, I oughta-"

"Just. Trade." Kakuzu said.

Hidan grumbled and accepted the-

"Two pies?" he said.

"Ya already stole the third one!" she cackled. And with that, she slammed the door shut.

"Old hag." Hidan muttered under his breath.

"I have good hearin'!" she called from inside.

And with that, Hidan and Kakuzu headed back to the clearing with the tents.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"STOP!" Kisame shouted, struggling. He was tied to a tree.

"Calm down." Itachi said. "I'm only fishing."

"WHAT IF YOU CATCH A SHARK?" Kisame said. "That'll be like... like eating...!"

"Your own kin?" Itachi said. "Didn't you say you were fine with that?"

"No, it was a metaphor!" Kisame whined. "STOP FISHING!"

"No." Itachi said.

A small fish jumped up from the surface of the water.

"Sharingan!" Itachi said.

The fish flopped into the water and swam towards Itachi, who scooped it up.

"THAT'S what you call fishing?" Kisame said.

"No." Itachi said. "That is what I call surviving."

Kisame deflated as Itachi moved in to cut the ropes around him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pein and Konan walked through the forest.

"We haven't found food yet." Konan groaned "It's been a while!"

"Hmph." Pein said.

Konan kept walking. She sighed.

"I want to do something for the Akatsuki, you know?" she said. "They've been kind of... down lately."

"Who in our situation wouldn't be?" Pein said.

"Guess you're right." Konan muttered.

Pein pushed a branch aside-

"Hey, look!" Konan said. "A tree! And it has cherries!"

"So it does." Pein said.

"Let's not waste chakra." Konan says. "I'll get on your shoulders. It's so low, it'll be easy."

"Okay." Pein said.

He swept her up and lifted her onto his shoulders.

"Here, I'll pass them down to you, okay?" Konan said.

Pein nodded.

She passed a few into his hand, and he put them in a small pouch by his side.

"Wait- there's more on that side." Konan said. "Walk over there!"

Pein walked over there, and Konan reached out-

And Pein lost his balance and toppled over.

"Ow!"

"Konan-"

"Pein, get off-!"

They untangled themselves, and then Pein realized that he was on top of Konan.

"Um... er-" he said. "Sorry, I really didn't mean to-"

"Shut up and kiss me." Konan breathed, and then she grabbed Pein's face and kissed him.

Pein's eyes flew wide open... but her couldn't help but kiss her back.

Suddenly, Deidara and Sasori walked in on them.

"Hey, leader, what are you-?" Deidara said.

They froze, seeing from a distance that the two Akatsuki were passionately kissing on the ground.

"Un." Deidara squeaked.

"Let's just... leave them alone." Sasori said, clearing his throat. They hadn't noticed Sasori and Deidara, apparently.

The two slowly backed out of the space, then turned and darted away.

The last to arrive at the clearing were Pein and Konan, with their clothes dirty.

"Hey, what's that on your robe?" Sasori said to Zetsu, looking down.

Zetsu looked down.

"Oh, that." Black Zetsu said.

"It's deer blood!" White Zetsu sang. "I'm not hungry anymore, yay!

"Ugh." Deidara muttered, gagging.

Pein and Konan scanned the piles of assorted food on the ground.

"Pies?" Pein said, raising his eyebrows.

"Long story." Kakuzu muttered. Hidan harrumphed in agreement.

"Well, this is all very good!" Konan said, clapping her hands together. "Now, we have something to eat... well done, everyone!"

They didn't notice that two girls were getting very, VERY close to them.

"Ino!" Sakura whispered. "Look, there are lots of them!"

"People! Yes!" Ino whispered back. "Now, all we have to do is ask them where we are!"

"Yes!" Sakura said, pumping her fist. "Let's do it!"

They emerged from the bushes into the clearing.

"Hey, everyone!" Ino said, waving. "We were lost, and we just wanted to know where we were-"

"Uh... Ino?" Sakura said. "Something's wrong."

And something was wrong indeed.

Nine very surprised, cloaked Akatsuki members turned to them in complete surprise.

"Ah- ah- ah-" Sakura stuttered, walking backwards and raised her hands up.

"Heh heh... we were just... leaving...!" Ino said.

The Akatsuki looked at each other.

"Oh, great." Kisame said. "Now we're going to have to capture them."

"What a bother. Honestly." Itachi said.

"Ino?"

"Yeah?"

"Run."

The two turned and bolted through the forest.

But of course, nine against two is never a fair fight. Unless the nine were babies, or midgets. But that wasn't the case here.

"Look." Kisame called after them. "Don't resist, you'll just make it harder for the both of us!"

"IF I GO DOWN, IT'LL BE FIGHTING!" Sakura hollered.

Suddenly, something knocked into her, and she fell.

"Sakura!" Ino shouted.

Suddenly, Sakura felt something cut into her back. She squeezed her eyes shut.

"Now I've got your blood, little kunoichi!" Hidan chuckled.

Sakura tensed, flipping over to face him from the ground.

Hidan was fully activated, his face all black and white.

"AHAHAHAHAHAA!" he laughed.

"No!" Ino shouted, squirming in Sasori's grasp. "No, don't do it!"

The rest of the Akatsuki grouped in a loose circle around them.

"Come on, Hidan, don't kill her." Kakuzu said.

Hidan giggled and stabbed the side of his stomach with his scythe.

Sakura screamed as a wound ripped into her side.

Deidara swallowed, shuffling and looking down.

Hidan laughed, twisting the weapon deeper into himself.

Sakura let out a cry, then a cough. Blood splattered all over he ground.

She trembled on the ground, clutching her stomach.

"Stop... please..." she sobbed.

Deidara's fists clenched tightly.

"Don't look, don't look, don't look..." he muttered to himself, biting his lip.

For some reason, the way Hidan was torturing her was really burning a hole in him.

"Can I eat her when you're done?" Black Zetsu said.

And that was when Deidara snapped.

He walked forward and kicked some dirt over Hidan's circle.

"Hey!" Hidan said. "What the xxxx are you DOING?"

"No, stop that!" Deidara said. "They didn't do anything to us, just... the least you could do is spare her, un!"

"What?" Hidan shouted, wide-eyes with an insane look on his face. "You're going SOFT, Deidara! SOFT!"

Deidara stood his ground between them, eyes defiant.

"Deidara's right." Konan said, glad that someone had stepped in.

She wouldn't have dared. Hidan could be pretty... unpredictable sometimes.

Sakura looked up at Deidara's back, wide-eyed.

And then, her eyes rolled back and she collapsed.

"Sakura!" Ino shouted. She thrashed, trying to free her arms from Sasori.

Hidan's sacrifice mode faded out, and he rolled his eyes.

"FINE then!" he said crossly. "But you just watch it, xxxxing birdboy. Juuust watch it."

"So? What now?" Kakuzu said.

"We don't want our location leaked." Pein said. "So-"

"We won't spill the beans!" Ino said, tears running down her cheeks. "We're LOST!"

"We can't trust you." Pein said. "Sasori, keep the blonde one in your tent."

Konan turned to Deidara.

"Deidara." Konan said. "By saving her, you turned her into your responsibility."

"What?" Deidara yelled. "But that's not fair, un!"

Konan gave him a warning glance.

"Fine." Deidara huffed.

They started trickling back to the tents.

"Hey!" Ino said. "Let me go! This isn't fair!"

"Just be quiet." Sasori said. "I don't have much patience, but I DO have many weapons. You remember that, blondie."

"The name's Ino!" she grumbled.

Deidara leaned down and picked Sakura up off the ground.

Her eyes flickered open as Deidara swept the hair off her face.

"Why did you help me?" she said softly, her face pale from blood loss.

"I don't know, okay?" he said. "Just-"

"Let me go!" she said, squirming with the last of her strength. "Hey! What did you do with Ino? HEY!"

"No freakin' comment, un." Deidara muttered. "Now I have to take care of you, and it's all your fault. The least you could do is shut UP!"

He ducked into his tent at sat down.

She glared up at him and bit her lip, angry tears gathering in her eyes.

"Come on, don't cry!" he said, rolling his eyes.

Sakura felt a great big lump in her throat.

"How am I supposed NOT to?" she sobbed, tears starting to roll down her cheeks. "Nothing's going right anymore!"

Deidara sighed as Sakura curled up in his arms, crying inconsolably.

He wasn't much of a comforting type of person, but the sight of Sakura's meltdown was seizing his heart and hacking it into lots of small pieces. Metaphorically, of course, because dead people are even less comforting than awkward alive ones.

"There, there." he said leaning her against his chest. She sobbed into it. "Uh... it's okay. Or something, un."

"You're not helping!" she wailed

"I'm not a THERAPIST!" he said.

"Y-you sh-should be!" she cried.

Deidara had read something or other about hugs. He wrapped his arms around her shaking shoulders.

She smelled... good.

He blushed.

_No, this is stupid!_ he thought. _I'm an S-Ranked criminal, I'm not supposed to blush!_

_ Even when there's a very... um... pretty girl next to me._

These thoughts didn't help. In fact, they just made him blush harder.

She burrowed into his chest.

He could feel her calming down, her panicked breathing growing softer.

Goodness, she had shiny hair.

She was soft, her body fitting against his perfectly.

He let himself relax.

Mistake.

One of his hand-mouths got too loose, and it stuck its tongue out.

Right onto Sakura's bare arm.

She screamed.

"Get it off, get it off, get it off!" she shrieked, squirming.

"Alright, sorry, sorry, it's gone, un!" he said.

"No, let me go, let me go!" she shouted.

"Stop that, un!" Deidara said.

She started pounding on his chest, crying loudly.

"Just WHAT is going on in there?" Konan hollered from outside. "Behave yourselves, both of you!"

"Okay!" Deidara called back, wincing. "Shhh, shhh, stop crying, un- listen, what's your name?"

"S-sakura." she said, wiping her eyes off on his robe. "My name's Sakura."

"Sakura, stop crying or I'll feed you to Zetsu."

"Nooo!" Sakura wailed. "Don't kill me, please!-"

"I was just KIDDING!" Deidara scoffed. "Sheesh!"

"You better be!" Sakura said.

She was cooling down now, settling into reality. And also settling into Deidara's chest. Both things were the same in this case, really.

"Who's Zetsu?" she asked.

"He's horrible, and he likes eating people, un. Especially me!"

"Eating... people?" Sakura said, her eyes growing wide.

"Yeah." he said. "Especially what he calls, "chewy people."

Sakura shuddered.

"That's what I thought too, un." Deidara muttered.

"What's with the 'un'?" she said.

"I've heard every singly joke about that!" he burst out. "EVERY SINGLE ONE!"

"Okay, okay!" she said. "Sheesh, I was just wondering."

"It was a habit I picked up." he muttered.

"That wasn't so hard, now, was it?" she said.

"Whatever." Deidara said.

Suddenly, Konan called out to them.

"Dinner!" she shouted. "Bring the captives, too!"

Deidara's eyes narrowed.

"You better not try to escape." he said. "Or I'll feed you to Zetsu when we catch you again, un!"

"Yeah, right!" Sakura scoffed. "You _wouldn't_."

"You never know." he muttered, standing up. "Anyway, you won't try."

"What makes you so sure?" she said slyly.

"Because of this, un." Deidara said, clipping a choker around her neck.

"Agh!" What is this?" Sakura yelled, pulling at it. But it had already hardened.

"It's my clay." Deidara said, smiling. "If you try to run, it'll explode. Isn't that _great_?"

Sakura's eyes widened, and she quickly lowered her hands, swallowing and feeling the hard clay around her neck.

Her eyes brimmed with tears again.

"Why are you crying this time?" Deidara said, annoyed.

"I feel like a caged bird." she whispered.

"Well, you're not alone, you know." Deidara said, rolling his eyes.

"What do you mean by that?" Sakura said, wiping her eyes.

"But you're stuck with me, un." Deidara said, smirking. "It's a caged bird with bonuses!"

Sakura laughed, her throat still thick with tears.

"HURRY UP!" Konan shouted from outside.

"Let's go." Deidara said. "Wouldn't want Konan to get made.

Sakura nodded, and he pulled her outside by her hand.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


	4. Notice

Notice:

I am very sorry, but unfortunately Hidan has sacrificed this fanfic to Jashin.

Maybe one day, when I have less things to do, I'll preform Impure World Resurrection on it. But for now... enjoy all my other Naruto stories!

Thanks for your understanding! :)


End file.
